


PINOF 10

by newtslittleniffler



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Feels, Kissing, M/M, One Shot, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Sad, Sad Ending, don't read it if u don't like sad things !!, sorry guys this made me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtslittleniffler/pseuds/newtslittleniffler
Summary: dan and phil have tried and tried to keep their love alive - but sometimes, sparks just stop. sometimes, fires just can't reignite.OR dan and phil break up and make the last ever PINOF (I did it as 10 because i couldn't bring myself to set this in 2017)





	PINOF 10

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is so sad, i was listening to keaton henson and it just brings the feels out of me :(( ((remember this is entirely fan fiction and i really hope and do not think anything like this will ever happen!!))

Dan smiled sadly as his eyes rested on Phil’s face. They were sat on Phil’s bed, for the last time as he was to leave in the morning. The camera was set up in front of them but they hadn’t turned it on yet, they were trying to gain the courage to do it without having to turn it off so they could wipe their tear filled eyes, they were waiting until they knew what the right thing to say was. There was a space between them, big enough for somebody else to fit if they wanted. The empty space was like one big gaping hole, very similar to the aching hole Dan felt in his chest. He wondered if he would even see Phil again, he wondered if this was one of the last times in his life that he would see that pale skin and his black hair and his eyes, bluer than the summer sky. 

He still remembered the first time he had ever seen his face. When he’d clicked on that Youtube video, a very spontaneous decision, and instantly knew that he had to know him. He had to know AmazingPhil - and  _ god _ , he’d known him. From the very first time they hugged, and then when they kissed. They’d travelled the world together. They’d written a book together, they’d written a stage show. They’d done everything. Through good and bad, they had always gotten through it. But not this. 

 

They’d tried. They had tried so hard to keep the threads from fraying, to stay in love. But they were nothing like the young boys who had moved into their apartment together in Manchester, they were nothing like they used to be. They had spent nights trying to work it out, staying up until sunrise, shedding tears as they remembered all the good times. Trying to convince themselves as well as each other that they were just going through a rough patch, that they would  _ always  _ be Dan and Phil. But eventually it got too painful. They had never really known what they were. Best friends, sure. They were so much more than that, though. Dan was thinking about all the secret kisses they had shared at big parties, ducking outside onto balconies, that one time they had even got trapped on the roof because they’d been too immersed in memorising the planes of each other’s bodies, fusing the grooves of one another’s lips into their heads, taking note of how to make Phil moan or gasp in surprise. They fell asleep next to each other at night, watching anime and then waking up early in the morning to realise they had wrapped themselves into each other, their limbs intertwined, their breaths synchronized. One thing they did know was that they had been so in love. It was the most beautiful thing they had ever experienced, and Dan would give everything else up if it meant keeping the memories. He would let the book burn and he’d happily let everything else in his entire life fade away if it meant he could stay with Phil forever. They both knew, though, that they were holding on to a false hope. Nothing but a dream. They could try, of course. They could always try, but it would always be living in silence and pretending that it was comfortable, but they both knew that the tension was poison. They could try to stay friends, but they would always feel the need to cuddle closer on the sofa, they would always feel the need to kiss each other on the forehead when they felt sad, they would always feel the need to walk along hand in hand - and it would always feel so wrong. And that feeling of wrongness would always hurt them, it would always pierce through their skin like the sharp point of a needle. 

Eventually, they couldn’t talk about it anymore, they couldn’t pretend that they were fine. There was only so much drinking coffee at the most bizarre hours because all they wanted to do was come up with a way to solve it all before they could get even a wink of the sleep that they could do. They had to make a decision. 

“Are you ready?” Phil asked gently. His voice cracked slightly, they both pretended not to notice it. 

 

Dan shut his eyes for longer than seemed normal. He just wished that they could rewind. He wished they could live it all again. He wanted to go back to waking up and instantly grinning when he saw that he lived with Phil Lester, and Phil loved him just as much as Dan loved Phil. He wished they could still make each other laugh like before, he wished they both still had a light in their eyes that only got brighter when their togetherness made the flame burn brighter. He just wanted to keep Phil, keep him wrapped close to his heart. 

When Dan opened his eyes, he saw that Phil had been so close to taking his hand. In a mad rush, Dan wondered if that was all they needed - to touch. He didn’t say anything, but he reached out and he laced his fingers through Phil’s, and Phil squeezed back with a desperate hope. There were no sparks. 

“I don’t think I will ever be ready.” Dan replied, his throat raw from how much he had cried in secret earlier. Phil knew, he must have seen the red of his eyes and he never took  _ that  _ long getting ready for a video. He’d seen something one of the fans had given him, it was placed in a frame on his shelf, when he was trying to get changed his eyes had fallen on the collage of all their Philisnotonfire videos for the past nine years. And now this would be their last. 

Phil took their still joined hands and he lifted them to his lips, and he placed a kiss against the back of Dan’s hand. It was swift and barely even there, and again, no sparks. It made Dan’s chest feel like it would cave in, it made him want nothing more than to just dissolve into a puddle of tears. 

“Maybe we can just do it like normal.” Phil whispered, but it was clear that he didn’t believe they could. “We don’t have to say it’s our last one. I… I don’t have to leave.”

It was like he was pleading. Dan wished so badly that he could agree. He’d never wanted anything more. Even so, he had no choice but to slowly shake his head. Phil’s face rumpled into one of pain and utter sorrow, and then Dan moved his hand to cup his face. He stroked his thumb against Phil’s skin, and the older of the two leaned into the touch, shaking his head. 

“I don’t want to leave you.” he said, he sounded so small. 

Dan didn’t want him to leave either. He couldn’t do it on his own, he knew that he couldn’t. But they couldn’t live the way they had been either. Ignoring the camera and that they needed to film, he pulled Phil into him, wrapping his arms around him. They were both equally as tall, but Phil was wrapped up and tiny. He’d never seemed so  _ fragile _ . 

“I don’t want you to leave either.” Dan said, not caring that his words could barely even be made out through his wracking sobs. “But you know it’s the right thing to do, Phil.”

“How can this be right?” Phil croaked, sitting back up. His usually ghostly white face had gone red and blotchy and tears were sliding glassily down his cheeks. Dan wiped the tears away. 

“I don’t know.” Dan said. “Any universe where we aren’t together can’t be right. But we aren’t even together now, not really, and we haven’t been for a while.”

“I know.” Phil agreed, but he was still shaking his head. He took Dan’s hands back, holding both of them in his. 

“None of it is right. But I know that it hurts too much seeing each other every day and not being like we should. It hurts too much not being able to hug you and kiss you-”

“So  _ kiss me _ .” Phil said. 

That was all Dan needed. He had their lips locked together in an instant. They were so hungry for the satisfaction of feeling their kisses dance and having it send fire to their hearts but it wasn’t there. They tried. They were wild, ragged as they kissed and kissed and kissed, growing breathless. Phil had one hand gripping onto Dan’s shoulder tightly as if scared that he would fade away into nothing, the other just about brushing against his jaw. They were all over each other, but it didn’t feel it. They were so close, but it still felt like there was a huge space between them. It still felt wrong, and it didn’t used to feel wrong, it never used to feel wrong. It used to be the only thing right in their little world. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan managed to get out. When they pulled apart, their foreheads were pressed into each other’s, their eyes squeezed shut. “I’m sorry I can’t fix it.”

“It’s not your job to fix it.” Phil mumbled, “Never blame yourself for this, Daniel Howell.”

“I’ll blame this cruel, cruel world.” Dan said, trying to laugh but it sounded bitter and empty. 

They stayed like this for a while longer. Wrapped in each other, neither of them said it but they were both waiting until their hearts started to feel like they used to, waiting until it was all fresh and beautiful and pure. Soon, though, they would both be drained entirely of hope and faith and anything good. If they stayed around waiting for more longer, they would start to get angry not just at the world but at each other. And that would be  _ really  _ wrong. 

“We should film the video.” Phil whispered after what felt like an eternity. 

“Okay.” was all Dan could say. 

So they moved apart, they went back to their spaces with the hole between them. They wiped their eyes, but they didn’t care that much if the viewers saw they had been crying. It was always going to be a sad video, and they both knew there was no point trying to pretend this video would be anything along the lines of happy. So they looked at each other. They said it all with their eyes. 

_ I will always love you _ . 

And then Phil leaned forward to press to start filming. 

“Hi guys, and welcome to Philisnotonfire 10!” his words caught straight away, and Dan sensed that. Off the camera, he nervously moved his leg slightly so that they were still touching. He heard Phil trying to steady his breaths as Dan spoke himself, “And it breaks our hearts to say that this is the final Philisnotonfire we’ll ever make.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading x


End file.
